Live and let live.

This is the week

I start my new chapter in life.

It give me butterflies when I think about it. 

I haven’t had butterflies since the first and second time I held Amelia after I delivered her. I am so excited. 

I got my insurance check in the mail and I am going shopping this week for everything I need! I’m over whelmed and very nervous, BUT in a good way. 

I’m ready!!

I wish I could drive

and listen to music. It was such a great way to think about what really mattered, listen to songs that remind you that you can relate, that you need to pay attention to the road, moments where you just want to sing your head off, or just cry a few tears.

I have court tomorrow for my DUI.
Yes a DUI. Nothing bad. Just 2 points over the legal limit under 21 is 0.02 and I blew 0.04 and now I gotta go threw a wholllle bunch of stuff. I have no idea what I’m going for court since I was already sentenced and what to do 20 hours of cs, and some DUI class and 6 suspended license and 6 probabtions. So I wonder.. Hmhm.

Gotta go shopping to. Leave it to me to do everything at last minute. Ahhh

Got shackles on my words so tight

Fear can make you compromise

Fast enough it’s hard to hide

Sometimes I want to disappear

When I need friends the most.
I don’t exactly have them.

I regret this whole year nothing positive came out of it.

I’m so angry.

Joe was suppose to see Amelia today but he ignored my calls and my texts. And then texted me telling me that he told me two days ago that he was helping this band the bang boom with there show and friends move. But was getting his daughter excited to see him all week long to see him. And she actually remembered to see him today.

But once again I’m the dumbass because I forgot that he was doing this today.

I seriously hate him.

I told him that until the custody papers are wrote up to not talk to me and Amelia and he isn’t going to hear anything from us either. I’m done completely. He made it clear what wad important. Better now then later right?

Agh

Is it just me or does everything that had to do with Joe have to go completely to shit. Anybody I got to know threw him. They were great people then what the eff. EVER since I had that seizure my life has gone threw a dramatic change. Either it scared people to death to hang out or I’m just not cool because I broke it off with Joe or it could be because I’m too much to handle, because I have been myself to ALOT of people lately and idk if alot of em like it, maybe there just retards and idiots and I just automactly think its okay to treat them like one or fuck with em. Poken fun at someone never hurt anybody. I dont know how to explain it.

But I have told myself I am going to throw my first official house party and the only people that are coming are mainly older then 29. But hey. They have lived and see all kinds of fun right? I’m sure I will have a select few young adults round mine&gages age. Probably not though.

I’m scared.

Last week was a very emotional week, I felt like I had something to get off my chest, but I didn’t know what. I never longed for something like this. I never was so blunt with a few things I had said to a few people and I want to apologies but then I’m too embarresed to even to do that, I don’t know if I even need to. I hadnt ever been so emotionally selfish, although I didn’t talk much I was so focused on how I was feeling, how I haven’t been living how I have been wanting to and how I had been living surely would never lead me to what would make me happy. Living for me is living for Amelia right? Because I had been told by somebody that I couldn’t do that, Amelia is my life. Now my health is going down hill, right now I cry every night because I’ve been lied to by somebody who has waisted my time, changed my way of living and just beated down because I couldnt change how I felt physically. I didn’t always feel up to going out with him and his friends, or getting out of bed early on Sunday, and I couldn’t help but take every advantage of Amelia being baby sat and slept.
I’m having a hard time accepting everything that is wrong with me and I hate for any body else to as well, but I clearly can’t hide it all anymore and I am going to start working on things. Acceptance is the key. I just hope god blesses me with all the right treatment and all the support&love I can get.